Open the gates!!!

To all the pubes of my crotch,

We gather again for another formality.  The Kingdom is blessed, for we are about to add another pillar to our already mighty structure.

It was perhaps a year ago that The King found a little fat blond kid clinging to his leg calling out "Daddy, Daddy".  King replied saying "Who's your Daddy?" and proceeded to shake him off and never speak to him again.  

But the vile smell of Random hung in the air and for months it continued to irritate the King.  Even as the TKM train sped along at 55km/h+ the stink continued to waft past The King's nose as if it were coming from somewhere up front.  Not possible only potpourri smelling Kings Men existed up there.  The King ignored it and life went on.  It would only be a matter of time before this filthy rotten Random smell disappeared, as it always does. 

But as time passed it did not.  

The fat little kid from those many moons before was still hanging around.  Stinking and rolling around in his own layers of lard he polluted the coffee gatherings, appearing unphased by the almighty powers before him that were hinting his presence was not welcome.  He was of course only a mere Random.

Realising that the Fat Kid was not going to roll away easily The King decided to turn him into his whipping boy.  Young, hairless, innocent.  Just the way King likes it.  So whip away he did.  Surely this would see the popping of this ass blister on the Kingdom.  

It did not.

So the breakdown continued.  Teasing, poking, prodding and other activities that must remain absent from digital records all took place.  By now the King could not ignore the presence of this heaving mass that had now been identified as a permanent Random pest log jammed up front in the engine room.  

The King continued to belittle.  The Fat Kid continued to bat it back.  The King stepped it up again.  Mum jokes, sexual advances, more fat jokes.  It went on.

And then it went on some more.

Teh Fat Kid was starting to crack but in parallel with these beatings from King Fat Kid had been wisely investing in a solid portfolio of allegiances with the weaker of The King's Men.  He first started with his fellow qualifying Random, back then known as the Giant Baby.  He then moved up to bigger yet still weak fish such as The Pimp and The Candyman.  But he was far from winning over The King.

So it went on some more.  

Months more.

The Fat Kid thought that perhaps isome solid performances in the outside world that would get the attention of The Almighty one.  Prestom Mountain Classic, SKCC A Grade Crit, HCC A Grade Crit.  He won them all.  The King surely was impressed.

Nup.  So it went on.

But then something happened.  It wasn't the wins at the highest level that impressed.  It wasn't the immediate slotting into the engine room at Noize that impressed.  It wasn't the fact that he didn't use his teeth and had good hand action that impressed.  It was the tear in his eye.

He was now a broken man.  A blank canvas.  Another piece of shapeless clay ready for the caressing hands of The King to mold.

And so it began.  The rebuilding of what will unquestionably one of TKM's greatest engines if not possibly the best we have ever seen.

The King approved the commencement of the apprenticeship and The Fat Kid was on his way.  

Just the announcement itself saw The Fat Kid shed 10 kegs which was simply the burden of being a repulsive Random.  

Qualification commenced and The Fat Kid hit it hard.  On the front.  Off the front.  GC.  Sprinting, breakaways.  He was doing it all.

"This is TKM and I have a chance of being a part of it!" he was heard yelling at the top of his lungs as he headed down the catwalk towards the brown sign at 63km/h.

And then it came. 10 in 15.  

A once timid young dumpling was now a glistening and powerful man.  Rebuilt from the ground up and now ready to roll off the showroom floor.

It is time to unleash the beast.

It leaves but one formality....

Knighthood.

The King in TKM tradition summoned the Lords to the Kingdom's round table and briefed them on the journey to date and requested they combine their powers of mind into a total IQ of 13  and put forward suggestions for The King's consideration.

As always the King listened to dribble and found if difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff.  But then a diamond in the rough appeared.

So....

What do we call a kid who has been crying out for The King's attention for what to him must have seemed an eternity?

What do we call a kid whose presence in the peloton alone makes you cry out in fear and then again in pain?

What do you call a kid that had perhaps had a little too much Ice cream?

And seriously what do you call a kid that looks exactly like this?
  

It was at that moment that the clouds of doubt cleared in the King's thoughts.  It became apparent.  It was done.

By the power vested in The King by The King and for The King I declare from this moment onwards The Fat Kid shall no longer be known as The Fat Kid, or Lakey or Who's Your Daddy.

From now he shall forever be known as The Scream!

And in TKM tradition that name shall immediately be, in this case extended to two syllables to Screamer or perhaps Screams or of course anything else Smax decides is relevant or irrelevant.

Dickwads of The Kingdom it has been a huge week, a huge month and looking at what will be the final member of the class of 2014, a huge year.  This latest is addition is one of our greatest and will assist immensely in the securing the power of The Kingdom for many years to come.

It is now time for the King to demand that the minions OPEN THE FVCKING GATES!!! and invite the scream to enter through into a world of greatness and respect and for him to now enjoy all of the fruits that our special place has to offer.

I ask you to all join me and pay homage to the man who has completed his long journey and finally come to his place of rest where he will now call home.  TKM.  

Ladies and gentlemen I give you The Scream.

I will now ask that Screamer take to the email lectern and address The Kingdom with his opening speech of thanks and appreciation, especially to The King who has ridden him of the demons of the outside world.

Screamer.  How say you?

Open the gates!!!

Kingdom,
 

That time has again come.  

As the TKM herd continues to not necessarily grow in size it must continue to grow in strength and the last of the class of 2014 are about to join us.

At yesterday’s epic Noize, one for the ages, it was only fitting that this was the ride that saw The Giant Baby successfully complete his apprenticeship and reach his 10th ride in 15, which combined with his long journey prior, finally allows him the privilege and the right to finally walk through the gates of TKM and enter into a world of cycling utopia.

The big baby has been sniffing around TKM's crutch for a number of years with the hope that his childhood dream of one day being accepted into the King's bosom would one day come true.  

That day has finally arrived.

Arriving as a big pink penis-like character, The King simply thought....WTF is this!  And then proceeded in his normal manner as is with all Randoms. He ignored him. Months turned to years and King's Men minions continued to whisper in the King's ear. Giant Baby won this, Penis Kelly won that, did you see DK went off the front. The King backhanded them away with the comments "I saw nothing.  I heard nothing". The Giant Baby wept as his dream appeared to be evaporating before his very eyes.

Time went on and the Giant Baby continued to work hard, winning races at all levels, putting his name up in lights on all the billboards located outside of the Kingdom in the hope that the bright lights may get The King's attention. It didn't work.

Penis Kelly then worked it out. At TKM, you start from the bottom. He started to confide in some of the TKM weak links like The Smackie and The Doma Doma.  He saw a glimpse of light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Giant Baby conspired with the SMX and Doma Doma and a dinner was arranged to which the King was invited. King's late arrival meant the only spare seat that was left was next to this filthy Random. Giant baby wiped the seat and polished it and invited The King to sit. The King sat. The Giant Baby wet his pants.

The King proceeded to entertain the crowd and Giant Baby laughed and laughed hard. The King accidentally heard the laughter and that was it. The Giant Baby had driven in the wedge and it had begun. The King had finally acknowledged his existence.  

From that point forth, The King could help not but notice this pink bit in amongst his beloved sea of green, and often he noticed that it was up lubricating the engine room. Who was this Random that had the ability to partake in the sacred event of the Noize roll without even having been given the powers of the green jersey? It was quite extraordinary and something that is rarely seen.  

In addition to his presence in the most religious of places at the front end of the TKM train, it appeared that after the Noize had settled and the banter had begun, he continued to be accepted by the broader members of The Kingdom. Giant Baby had done it. He had won over The Kingdom. He had won over The King. And so it began.  

With a flick of his royal hand, The King allowed Giant Baby to commence his TKM apprenticeship. The smile on Giant Baby's face with this news was bigger than he had ever produced on any podium before. This was the pinnacle of his illustrious career.  

Immediately the human penis lifted his game and he was a constant presence. His chest was sticking out 2 inches further than it ever had and he grew new muscles on top of the old ones. A gladiator was in the making.  

And then yesterday it happened. He reached the most important finish line of all. Qualification. 10 in 15 rides were now complete and completed in line with the rules and regulations of the King's Men Constitution.  

It leaves but one last formality.....

Knighthood.

So here we are. At this point The King would normally summon The Lords. But in this case there is no need as The King has never before had such clarity. With the assistance of a small number yet most powerful of Lords, it was decided.  

What do we call our new Knight? What do we call a rider who is enjoys ripping us all to shreds?  What do we call a man that when he tears our legs off, it’s to the point that the pain is almost unbearable?  What do we call a man who loves the pain but then when it is all over, loves to party? What do we call a man whose skin is so smooth that it just makes you want to sniff it, touch it and then rub it wildly?  

....and it was at that point that The King's eyes rolled to the back of his head and the vision appeared. It became obvious and with complete clarity.

From this point forth, by the power vested in The King by The King, David Kelly shall no longer be known as David Kelly, nor shall he be known as Giant Baby, but rather he shall be known as The Brazilian!

..and of course in TKM tradition and in line with the intellectual abilities of most King's Men, that shall be shortened to an abridged version of no more than two syllables such as Braza, Zilli or The King's favourite Bazza.  Or of course, any other relevant or irrelevant name that may be spun from the brain of Smax.  

Lady and gentleman, it is time. I ask that the gates be opened and the drawbridge lowered as The King invites The Brazilian to walk on through and into the Kingdom of Cycling Greatness where he shall be greeted by all of the fruits of enjoyment that our most exclusive of communities has to offer.  

Join me in welcoming our latest Knight of The King's Men. The Brazilian!!!

Now quickly. Close the fvcking gates!!!  The Fat Kid is trying to sneak in and he's not quite ready yet!

Bazza, now that your life has finally been plucked from the pond of mediocrity and elevated to a level you had only ever dreamed about, what do you have to say to the Kingdom? I suggest you open with a heart-felt thanks to The King for saving you from a life of misery. 

AND ONLY MINUTES LATER, THE KINGDOM's NEWEST MEMBER RESPONDED, OVERCOME WITH EMOTION, CRYING WITH A STIFFIE....... 

To have finally passed the cold shoulder of rejection and fearsome blow job of PENIS comments over the dark years as a filthy RANDOM and finally break through into the bright sunshine that is the Kingdom and bath in all The Kings glory is a momentous occasion.

 This has to be one of my proudest days, the honour of being able to pull on a green jersey makes all the podium finishes pale into insignificance!  

 It is with sincere and heartfelt thanks, that I would like to thank you King, and all the other members of the Kingdom for welcoming me into the Kingdom and allowing me snuggle up to her bosom.

 YOU LITTLE BLOODY RIPPER!!!

 THE BRAZILIAN

Open the gates - part four !!!

For what will be the final time in a while, The King has yet again climbed the stairs to the top of the castle, to call for the order ………OPEN THE GATES!!!!

We finally had our last qualifying recruit cross the qualification line, and now earn himself a perennial position within the walls of The Kingdom.  

Random Chris approached the wall, what King believed to be around 9 months ago.  This Random soon provided legally binding evidence to show that the first knock on the door was in fact closer to two years ago.  Just goes to show the true blindness The King has to the filthy vile scum we refer to as Randoms that pollute our peloton.

Random Chris was guided to the walls by The Wizard, who was looking for someone to take over the mantle as the ass-hair of the peloton.  In a battle of wisdom, Random Chris was able to get the upper hand on The Wiz, by fooling him into believing that he would turn early and share the roll of Hare for the chasing thunder train behind.  

But as soon as Random Chris felt he had a solid foothold on the walls of the Kingdom to commence his climb, he dumped The Wiz like the girlfriend of a college football captain, and started to focus on other Kingsmen to add to his base of support on his way to the feet of The King. 

For month after month, this craggy old lawyer would take the heart rate to 220-age+40 and defy the laws of nature, as he continued to hang on longer and longer at Noize.  Then one day it happened.  The old bastard held on.  What a god damn legend!  

The King would be impressed and show respect for this amazing achievement, which was once nothing but the impossible dream.  Random Chris rolled up to The King like a 9 year old that was just given a free footy at Aus Kick and said “King King!!! I just held onto my first Full Noize!”

King looked back at the Random and responded “Who are you dipshit?”

Random Chris’ journey of the lost soul continued.  

Week in, week out, the Random would roll up, hoping that one day he would finally be noticed.  On canceled raining days, he would be there at Racer, waiting.  It was uncertain whether the drops rolling down his cheeks were those of the rain, or tears.  Either way, The King didn’t give shit.

A few more hang ons to Noize, a few standout performances at Free Days, and time continued to march on.  

This high-powered legal partner had been up against the most hardened of human beings in fights to the legal death, but never had he come across such a challenge before as was that of the scaling of the Kingdom’s walls.  

Eventually after years of climbing those walls, he felt his grip slowly slipping and he was ready to fall back to earth, where he would never again have the capacity to start the seemingly impossible climb.  He was done.  Defeated.  It was over.  As he released his grip, he felt something.  It felt like the hand of God had caught his fall.  

Looking up through his now fogged-up glasses, there was an outline of something big, something strong, something special, something spiritual, something safe.  He blinked a few times, the fog on his glasses cleared and he was able to focus. And there it was. The outstretched hand of none other than The King himself, holding The Random firmly in his grip.  

The King lifted this now empty shell of a man to the top of the wall, where he allowed him to rest.  The King then pointed to the other side of the wall and said “Random.  This is my Kingdom.  Would you like the chance to enter?”  At that point Random Chris wept and collapsed into the lap of The King.  The King then slowly lowered his zip… 

Anyway enough of that.

So Random Chris was off to the Road Champs.  

There at the Road Champs with a non-existent handicap, Random Chris pedaled his god damn ass off with renewed enthusiasm, knowing that after this weekend, he had the chance to qualify. 

With trips to PNG and patches over his eyes, the Random let nothing get in his way to getting that 10 in 15, and finally, after 14 formal rides, The Random crossed the line of qualification in accordance with all of the rules and regulations of the TKM Constitution, and in doing so has earned himself a Knighthood.

So here we are .  It leaves but one formality.  A name for our new Knight.  

The King summoned the Lords.  What a fvcking farce!  423 emails later, there was nothing but ridiculous baboonic banter that clogged The King’s cyber space.  The King ordered the doors shut as he retreated to the dungeon in the basement and ordered for the round table of the Lords to be torched, with them all locked inside.  With 4 knighthoods in a fortnight, they simply weren’t capable.

The King spent many an hour down in that dungeon with himself and a box of tissues.  Thinking.  The King needs to be undisturbed and relaxed for such important decisions.  

So the King began the process.

What do we call this man who has taken this long to realise what is truly important in life?  What do we call someone who is able to hold on to the end of our long winding peloton, but often will crack?  What do we call a man who has shown discipline above perhaps all other Randoms of recent time?  What do we call a man who has wound himself into a frenzy in the attempt to scale the Kingdoms walls?  What do we call a man who can protect The King against what he did to Paddy back when he was 16? What do we call a man who started from a base that we thought was never going to allow him to get there but was able to somehow get himself into Noize shape?  What do we call a man who is a hardened lawyer, and like all good lawyers, enjoys a good bondage session?  But most of all what do we call a man who is simply prepared to lay it all on the line and give it a solid crack?

And there it was.  The King woke from his half sleep state, tissues still stuck to his cheeks, and it appeared right before his very eyes.  The name.  The perfect knighthood.

And as such it gives The King the greatest of pleasures to finally announce, that by the power vested in The King by The King, that from this point forward, we shall no longer refer to Random Chris as such.  He shall now be known as The Whip! And in TKM tradition, it shall immediately be expanded to include Whippie, Whips or Whippa or anything else that The Smackie decides is relevant or not.  

So the time has now come for The King to invite The Whip to walk through the gates of The Kingdom to now enjoy all the fruits of its labour and become one of The King’s Men.  An honour bestowed only upon the greats.

A canvas has now been presented yet again and TKM shall now commence the creation of yet another masterpiece.

The King could not be happier with this latest addition to the clan as he is a man that unquestionably ticks every single one of the boxes that we seek when it comes to our members.  His desire, dedication, values, spirit, speed and humbleness are as good as they come.  We welcome The Whip to the bosom of our tight community.  

The King now would ask that The Whip step up to the email microphone and respond with his speech of thanks to The King and The Kingdom for from this point in time changing his life forever.  

I give you TKM’s latest Knight……

The Whip!!! 

Open the gates - part three !!!

For the third time in a fortnight, The King is asking for the gates to be swung open and the drawbridge lowered.  At this rate, The King is thinking about installing automatic revolving doors.

We have again seen a filthy Random complete the long voyage, and in this particular case, a voyage longer than any others.  It was perhaps as long as three years ago that Random Ben approached the walls of the Kingdom, guided by the nomadic Flying Gypsy.  Random Ben asked of the Bun Headed one, "How does one scale these almighty walls?"  Unfortunately The Flying Gypo was too stoned and a young Random Ben did not get his answer, and hence he retreated back into the forest of Random.

A year later, Random Ben came across a huge stature of a man in the outside world known as Stuart Verrier.  A cunning disguise The King uses when he occasionally sets foot outside of The Kingdom.  Although Random Ben could feel the aura of this man, he was unaware of the true identity of this person who underneath was in fact the most powerful man in cycling today.  

The King observed Random Ben during that week long, 1000km adventure in the aid of helpless children. During that time, he saw the potential in this Random.  He was weak of mind but strong of legs.  He was also a lawyer, which is the only thing in this world The King is slightly afraid of.  

Time passed, the week long adventure ended and The King soon forgot about this Random as he was after all....a filthy Random.

Another year passed and Random Ben continued to roam the lonely forest of Random until one day he again found his way to the edge of the woods to see the mighty walls of the Kingdom.  This time he didn't have the cone smoking, ice-cream eating, INXS singing bun head to suck him of his energies.  This time Random Ben said to himself, he will stay strong, endure the pain and have a shot at the title.  He rode strong and hard.  At times rolling fiercely while at other times dropping huge skiddees all over the road.  

Random Ben chose difficult avenues to find a crack in teh wall.  He first went the impatient route by attempting to saddle straight up next to The King.  The King immediately swatted him like an annoying buzzing mosquito.  Next he chose the Hairy Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagle. He may as well have chosen Ayatollah Khomeini.  Like many Randoms, Random Ben continued to make bad decisions.  Until one day he made a right one.  He put up his hands for the TKM Road Champs.  In fact, he made two good choices.  He also chose to bring his hot wife and offered her services to The King.  The King called a rain check which he will cash in at a later date, for the hot wife was also sporting a young baby, which The King is allergic to.  

Random Ben, a capable rider in his own right, was handicapped with the King's wrath of Random, and without complaint, he received the punishment he deserved.  He did so with a smile, knowing that the investment would eventually pay off.  At this point, the long journey was nearly at an end, as attendance at the Road Champs is when the King is at his most sympathetic for those disease-infested Randoms.  The King was convinced that after 3 years, this man was now empty.  He was left with nothing but the clothes on his back, which even those he was now prepared to take of for The King.  

Random Ben then commenced his apprenticeship.

And although there has been signs of that weak-mindedness with a few missed rides, those strong legs have shown their capabilities.  Today's Noize was no exception, as he ranked well inside the top 10.  A rarity for a rookie.  With the base already in place, The King will now start to mold, rub, tug, caress and shape this man into an Adonis of cycling.  The canvas is bare and waiting for yet another one of his masterpieces.  

With Randomhood done, Apprenticeship complete in accordance with the TKM Constitution, it leaves only one thing.  Knighthood.

So what to call this man.  The King again summoned the Lords to the round table, and by this stage they were all punch drunk and more babboonian than ever before.  It was like a room full of retarded hippopotamuses, led by the King of retard, and Hall of Famer, The Stealth.  A waste of space in any room, let alone one as important as The Lord's Round Room.  The King soon shut them down and retired into his chambers to contemplate.

The King thought......

What do we call this man, who for three years has appeared and then disappeared without a trace?  What do we call this man, that although he goes largely undetected, when he presses the button, he is a force to be reckoned with?  What do we call a man who is silent yet deadly?  What do we call this man, that if he goes too deep, he completely implodes?  What do we call this man, who with the recent birth of his child, proved that his long shaft is full of seamen?  And there it was. The King's clouds of thought parted yet again and it became apparent.

No longer shall Random Ben be known as putrid Random Ben.  From this point forth, and by the power vested in The King, by The King, Random Ben shall be known as The Submarine! which in TKM tradition shall immediately be shortened, to suit the IQ level of the average Kingsmen, to The Sub, Subby, Subs or Subba, or any other variant as seen fit or unfit by The Smackie.

So people of The Kingdom, The King is particularly proud of this latest piece of real estate that is now Kingdom property.  He fits the bill both on and off the track, and will be someone whose name will be shouted from the bell towers on many occasions for his fine performances as we now start the process of turning him into what he is capable of.  

So join me in welcoming The Subby, as The King now invites him to pass through the gates to join us here in the Kingdom of TKM to enjoy the fruits of hard labour, created over many years.  

And in TKM tradition, I now call upon The Subby to step up to the email dais and craft his words of thanks and appreciation to The King and the Kingdom within which he now resides.  

I give you......

The Submarine!

Open the Gates - part two !!!

To my loyal followers,

It is with great pleasure that I again call out from the top of my tower, that the gates be lowered to let through yet another Random who has completed his long voyage from the slime and the bottom of the pond, all the way to the gates of The Kingdom.

As we all know through our own experiences, the journey to the gates is a long and hard one.  Let me say that phrase again, as I like it.  Loooooong and haaaaaaaard.  So long and hard, that most are unable to take.  Yet there are a chosen few that are able to suck it up and endure the pain, as they experience the process by which they are drained of everything they once were, knowing that in the end it is all for the best. 

We now have another Random whose journey has now come to an end, and a new journey awaits.

Random Brett came to the foothills of the Kingdom through the esteemed passage of the Comer brothers, who together, are some of the most solid foundation stones of the Kingsmen.  Both have had the taste of success, and failure.

Although the Brothers Comer may have been what set Random Brett onto the path of greatness, he walked that path alone, and was shown no bias by his outside brothers or from anyone else from within.  He was made to sit on the outside of the circle at coffee, The Kingdom laughed at his Random kit selections and numerous POTA's. The King was simply so disgusted by the whole package, that he quite simply refused to acknowledge his existence and wondered how on earth this insignificant twig would ever be fit for purpose. 

Random Brett continued his long journey and continued his POTA ways, gaining little traction or respect along the way.  Occasionally sharing a word with other Randoms or the weaker Kingsmen who often let randoms slip a sentence or two through the cracks.  But generally he was on his own, hearing and seeing the happiness from within the Kingdom from afar. 

But a glimmer of hope was realized, when on one Wild Card morning, Random Bret managed to staple himself on the back of the train and get that sweet taste of his own asshole in his mouth as he went beyond the red zone and all the way to the brown sign. At that stage there was no turning back.  His past life was over and his future life lay ahead.  He was in the danger zone of no man's land.  He was homeless.  Belonging to no family.  Nothing to lose. 

Then finally a step forward.  An event greater than all others appeared on the horizon. The TKM Road Champs.  Like an unfed dumped puppy, Random Brett watched the King, hoping he would throw him a bone.  And then it came.  The King took out the bone and gave it to him, and for Random Brett it was the greatest feeling he had ever experienced.  An invite to the TKM Road Champs.

The King gave Random Brett the handicap he deserved.  None. 

By stage 3, Random Brett was 1 day and 6 hours behind the leader and unlikely to finish before sunset.  Some suggested he be given a last minute reprieve so as to not finish with the crickets that night.  Random Brett rejected this suggestion and for the first time The King looked sideways at this Random and acknowledged what he just saw.  For Random Brett that sideways glance was like the hand of god lifting him from the pond and onto the shore.  It was time. 

That night The King summoned the Kingdom together to vote and looking for 20 approvals from teh Knights, it got down to the final vote of The Farmer to decide his fate.  To this day we don't know what under the table deal was done, but it was enough to get that final ay of approval and from that point forth the Random had become an apprentice.

Over the space of 11 rides, Random Brett successfully completed all apprenticeship requirements as set out in the Kingsmen Constitution, including a final ride last week that saw him on board the Noize train.  And now the journey has finally come to an end.  All that is now required is for a Knighthood and our newest addition to walk through the gates.

So having just recently summoned the Lords to the table for a similar task, The King knew that the Lords would be drained of all imagination beyond the normal baboon level they already had and unsurprisingly it was an mess of an event and The King was forced to kick them all out of the round room and take matters into his own hands. 

So..... The King thought long and hard.

What do we call this man?  What do we call a man who arguably skipped the cue due to his connections on the inside?  What do we call this man who has been forced to put his tail between his legs many a time after being POTA?  What do we call a man however whose pedigree tells us that with a little focus and a few k's he is capable of jumping straight to the front of the peloton.  What do we call a man who is so dazzled by the Kingdom's headlights that without consequence he headed straight for them?  What do we call a man who loves bush?  What do we call a man who is part of a Comer plague locally but outside of the Kingdom's borders they can be found nowhere else?  What do we call a man that a Farmer would describe as a pest?  What do we call a man who in his past family was the eldest and most senior but now arrives as a new child?  And finally what do we call a man who is majestic, proud, an emblem of the place in which he resides and someone who is bound for success?

Again, The King's mind put aside the champagne, the dancing girls and the dogs ass that normally clouded his mind and the angels began to sing as it all became clear.

From this point forth, by the power vested in The King by The King, Random Brett shall no longer be known as such.  He shall be known as The Roo Boy! Or as is commonly done, shortened to Roo, Roosy, Kanga, Hops or anything else that Smax my see relevant or relevant.

So again I ask for the gates to be lowered to allow The Roo Boy to walk the final steps of his long journey to enter into the Kingdom where all of the joys that lay within await inside for the Roo Boy to enjoy.  So come forth my young disciple and pick the fruit that has been so lovingly grown over our deep and rich history.  It will be the sweetest taste that has ever passed your lips.

Now close the fvcking gates because there are two other dirty Random vermin who are trying to sneak in that have yet to earn the right!!!  

In what is TKM tradition I now ask The Roo Boy to step forward to the email dais and say a few words of thanks and gratitude to The King and all of The Kingsmen for this gift of life that has been given.

Lady and Gents....

I give you The Roo Boy

Open the Gates!!!!!

Guards!! Open the gates and lower the drawbridge! 

The King hears a knock at the door and has decided to let them in.

Kingdom, we have a flurry of qualifiers seeking approval to enter into our Kingdom and The King has granted the first of those an entry pass that will forever change their lives.

Random Anth came to us through another recent qualifier in The Monk, and like all Randoms, was completely inappropriate for consideration.  For a number of months, The King did not look sideway.  Only occasionally did he notice a Random prepubescent contaminating his beloved Kingsmen peloton and he thought it's probably best he didn't reside within our walls, as he wouldn't last more than a week before the King had his way with him.

Time marched on and this young chap was able to learn from the errors of Teh Monk, quickly took the path of least resistance and saddled up and lobbied some of the more popular of the TKM crew, such as Sherps, Crack and Beaver, rather than go through the likes of a Bilby or Rabbit.

His cracking young boy look grabbed the attention of most and his ability to roll with the best in the hills saw him gain some respect.  But where it mattered most....Noize....like all Randoms, he found it a difficult task to master, as he tasted POTA on his lips many a time.  But perseverance and quiet observation of the King allowed him to learn and grow and eventually he was able to staple himself to the back of the Noize train and occasionally pop out for a roll.  At this point The King finally asked one of his pole bearers, "who is this child like boy?"  “Random Anth” was the response.

The King took note, but still refused to catch eyes, speak to, or even acknowledge his presence.  

Random Anth became frustrated and continued to ramp up his time with other Kingsmen in the hope of gaining inroads to The King's heart, but alas it seemed futile as The King seemed to be further away than ever.  

Depression set in and suicide-watch notices were issued.  Random Anth started to believe that it was not to be, but unknown to him, this was in fact the start of the King's breakdown process.  For a number of months this went on until Random Anth was nothing more than a dried up Autumn leaf waiting to fall from the tree

Then The King threw out a bone.

An invite to the TKM Road Champs and a chance to then be considered for Qualification commencement. 

Then a touch of fate stepped in.  The King, on a rare act of delegation of authority, allowed someone other than he to have the power to allocate room mates for the Road Champs.  The King normally saddled up only with Grand Dukes who had earned the respect to share a bed with Teh King.  But in these changed circumstances, chance had seen this dirty germ of a boy somehow end up bunking in with The King.  

Random Anth's face drained of blood as he walked in, only to come face to face with the  almighty King.  He was speechless.  Panicking, he took off his clothes and presented.  The rest of this chapter is for telling over a beer, and we shall move on.

Random Anth rode and rode well.  Random Anth, a shadow of the boy he once was, pleaded his case publicly and emotionally, and with the approval of 20 fellow Kingsmen, the canvas was ready.  

Random Anth was approved for qualification along with 3 others.  But it is Random Anth who has sailed through Qualification faster than his peers, which is perhaps a sign of things to come in what will be his new life within the Kingdom.  

Random Anth completed all the requirements of the Kingsmen Constitution and as a consequence has now earned the right, and receives the blessing of the King, to pass through the gates of the Kingdom to become one of its men and enjoy all of the fruits that being on the inside of the walls has to offer.

Which leaves us with only one formality.   

Knighthood.

So the Lords were summoned to the table.  In TKM tradition, The King gave the Lords the opportunity to tell stories of Random Anth and have input to his knighthood.  In TKM Lord tradition, they were nothing but a bunch of incompetent baboons and again The King needed to shoulder the responsibility alone, for it is he that knows best.

So what do we call a young man who comes to us, who may not necessarily be the fastest on the inside but his perseverance and dedication makes him one of the toughest on the outside?  He has proven himself, especially on the longer rides where some of the speedsters of Noize have found that eventually, Random Anth's slow and steady style resulted in him winning the race.  No matter where others sit on the food chain, this kid is tough enough that even the top predators are unable to break him.  What do we call a man who occasionally pops his head out for a roll and when he does he does it with vengeance?  What do we call this man who may look innocent and friendly, but watch out as he packs a dangerous and unexpected bite?

With a glass of wine in one hand and the dog in the other, the thought clouds in King's head cleared.  The answer had presented itself.  It was done.

This Random is no more.  He is now a member of the Kingdom and a fully fledged Kingsman and from this point forth, by the power vested in The King by The King, he shall be known as The Snapping Turtle!  

In TKM tradition, that shall automatically be shortened to Snapper, Snaps, Snappo or any other derivative The Smackie finds relevant, or irrelevant.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, our Kingdom grows and again we have allowed another suitably qualified canvas to come on board and assist in taking us to yet another level.  I now invite you all to take out your paint brushes and start to create yet another TKM masterpiece.

So please join me in welcoming our newest member, and in TKM tradition I ask that Snapper reply with his email of thanks to The King and his Kingdom for bestowing upon him the greatest honour of his life to date.  

I give you The Snapping Turtle.

The Fresh Prince of Club Clinger

The Ghost. Rolling in to Racer a few years ago, packin’ pot like Woody circa ’96, this heavyweight egg ‘n’ spoon participant turned a few heads, and not in the way Mods might do down Acland on a Saturday night……

Fast-forward 200 rides and Ghostie has turned into a legendary success story of the TKM school of weight loss, comedy and speed. Scratch the comedy part.

 I took some time to meet the man at the Fountain Gate Krispy Kreme and hear his story, so without further ado, I give you, THE GHOST!

Ghostie, congratulations on reaching 200 rides and being crowed as a Prince of the TKM Kingdom. How say you?

Give me a G! Hey Crackie, never thought that would be my response did ya! Anyway the cheerleading cheer is not as embarrassing as Candi’s email of “Yippee” when King said he could start qualification.

You’re not wrong – both of those are up for EEOTD (embarrassing email of the decade) – difference is, Candy let his fade in to distant memory. Suppose, you wouldn’t be the Ghostie we know and love without flogging the shit out of average jokes.

Whatever boy - Dad jokes are where it’s at in the Kingdom nowadays!

And yes that’s right the most committed rider in TKM has become a Prince. How good is that!

Rightio, calm down, I’ll call the shots here.

So, can you remember when you first heard about TKM – what did you think?How much riding were you doing at this stage and more importantly, how many KEGS?

I was working with the Llamatron back in 2009, and TKM was this green mystical symbol on his lycra. I was a weapon back then too, however not a weapon in a sporting sense (see pictures) weighting in at a metric ton or 1.2 Jesters or 27 Batters I was a big BIG unit.

I was dabbling in the Gatorade Tri series (getting on the podium for the series Clydesdale category obviously).

The great bloke Llama, said he rode Tuesday/Thursday mornings and that if I wanted some training, I should come along.  After a few months I was brave enough to come down, giving myself 30 minutes to travel the 5.5km to Racer from home. (That is why, folks, I am always the first one at Racer, as even though I’ve gotten quicker, the routine of leaving the house at 5:30 remains)

The first couple of months I was dropped at Black Road roundabout on the way down (ed: holy SHIT, that is ridiculous!). Eventually I managed to arrive at Mordi with the group. It was then, years later I got to experience what happened on the way back with the train. As for the first year or so I was dropped by the first set of lights.

Geez, it’s hard to imagine anyone being dropped on the way down. How far you have come is just unbelievable.

Talk us through the process/experience of being a random, qualifying, being named and first wearing the kit

It wasn’t till I was out riding on a weekend along Beach road, getting waves from members of the Kingdom, that I realised that it was about time that I tossed my cycling cap in the ring and knock on the kingdom door proper.

1 word with Llama, and an introduction to the King was arranged at Llamas Winter Cup celebration. Not recognising any of the Kingdom, apart from Llama, in normal clothes, I realised I wanted to be in bad – everyone in TKM is an Adonis, and I wanted my teenage body back.

Emails were written and sent and yes’s were given. Obviously not by Rabz as I wasn’t even nearly holding on to Noize NOR by Sherps as I was seen free-wheeling on the ITT.

Don’t worry, Rabbit has never liked anyone, ever.

You have travelled along a rapid improvement curve as a cyclist – how did it happen and what has it meant for you, both as a cyclist and also off the bike (more roots?!)?

The best thing that’s happened is that I did get my teenage Adonis body back and was able to borrow some of Norman’s clothes at the Christmas party for our trip out to Revolver, as my shorts and T shirt wasn’t going to cut it, plus they had mysteriously disappeared during the evening of frivolity. [I think Floz has a picture of me chasing in just my boxers waving balloons, a BMZ riding Batter round Normans lounge.]

But how did I eventually become a real weapon:

Firstly I got fit and did the 2012 Ironman = didn’t hang on to Noize

Secondly I got skinny = didn’t hang onto Noize

Thirdly I had a bet with King that I could hang onto Noize by my 40th Birthday and that tips me over the edge, Hung on the ride before my 40th = Epic

So, by the numbers:

Heaviest at Noize ~120kg Lightest at Noize ~85kg

Slowest ITT ~21:00 Fastest 17:26

From getting dropped on the way down, to doing Rolls at Noize (I managed 3 on one Noize last season)

But on the mental side the skinnier I’ve become the more un-funny I’ve become too. But then again there are plenty of unfunny members of the kingdom - hey Boxer ;)

Jenny Craig, your business model has NOTHING on The King’s Clinic.

30% weight loss! I wonder if SMAX has seen similar numbers. Another success story.

So, can you sum up TKM and Noize in a few short sentences?

Hard, painful, satisfying - a bit like anal.

Anal – the ever-present soul of TKM, it seems.

Speaking of love-making, you never mentioned whether your new-found athletic physique had resulted in any extra attention from Mrs Ghost? Careful now, the family will see this...

 I quote Mrs G: “His TKM mistress keeps him too tired for any of that kind of shenanigans; I’m back with Teh Model”

What are some of the highlights for you in your 200 rides?

 Every ride I hang on is still special, can never take it for granted.

The free Days are always a blast, one legged cycling, metro sexual = cant wait till the nude one

Got to say though, the roadchamps are truly AM A ZING! Not just cos they suit me physically (Road Champs results 2012 5th, 2013 2nd, 2014 3rd) but they allow us to spend the whole day cycling with our mates.

What’s next for the Ghost other than becoming an Arch-Duke?

Obviously the winter cup.

Obviously.

Ghostie, thanks for your time. On behalf of our mentor, leader and hero, The King, I would say that you are a TKM transformation of which he is extremely proud, and a ripping bloke to match. Fatties come good at TKM.

A new Noize record - 40 fully kitted up KING'S MEN (and women)

And in reverse order of today's GC rankings, we have the following:

The Smackie (Joel) - A new record for worst ever GC ranking received.  40th!!!!!!!  Noize shows no remorse

The Florist (Cords) - Just awesome to say we have a chick in TKM.  They don't come any better than our Floz.  Good norgs too.  Second only to Styx. 

The Tamps (Stu) - Swung left and headed into the burbs in Mordy on the way down. Obvious booty call if you ask me

The Garbo (Gareth) - Joined in late at the base of the Pyrenees.  Some Lords ranked him top 10.  Fools. I deal with fools!

The Jester (Dave) - Last ranked rider of those that did the full distance.  Looking great having shed ten kegs.  That's all that is good though

The Spruce Goose (Pauly G) - What do you expect riding that ridiculous contraption

The Spy (Scotty) - Kit penalties see The Spy being surrounded by names from the bottom of the gene pool.

The Goat (Steve) - The podium of 2006 seems so far away

The Baker (Paul) - Won't be telling Daddy Butch who is in Oz about this result. 

The Noodle (Dan) - Strava says The Noodle should be al dente by now and on the back of the train

The Ghost (Andy) - Stop running.  Stop swimming.  Start riding.  This is beyond embarrassment now.

The Postie (Andrew) - What a legend. 

The Kazakh (Noel) - Kit penalties smashing him back to the bottom of the barrel

The Biggle (Col) - Don't think that being on the B Train long term is acceptable Bigglez.  Lift

The Butcher (James) - Rolled into Phamish covering teh golden band on his jersey in shame

The Stig (Pete) - 4 weeks ago Stiggy was gunning for top 10.  Someone turned off the switch

The Red Curry (Tommy) - Solid result for the ranger rug.  best of teh rest

The Clinger (Tristan) - Lucky lucky lucky. 

TBA (Josh Rix) - Has been in qualification for 3 years.  Will Joshy Rix finally string 10 in 15 together.  Noize provided Joshie with an intravenous shot of reality though.  How'd you like them apples Joshua?

The Laughing Camel (Liwa) - This sort of ranking is no laughing matter for a man of this calibre

The Flying Gypsy (Nathan) - The Bong van was chocka-bloke with smoke today as the gypo just lounged back and took it all in.

The Padawan (Gab) - Annoying that he hung on but a couple of rolls shows the boy has base.

The Stealth (Normie) - Sniveled for very little in the end but he is The Stealth and he is a Grand Duke so yous can all go get fked!

The Dominatrix (Josh) - Has been training on the secret Noize course.  Just starting his 2013 campaign.  A big diesel that will take a few weeks to get going and return to the engine room

The Redneck Hick (Byron) - Huge huge roll up through the Pyrenees.  Must have hit nearly 50 as he attacked to the front.  Frightening.  Lazy boy before then.

The Candyman (Andrew) - Probably a sub par performance based on recent weeks.  One huge speed lifting turn down through Sandy was most impressive.

The Llama (Brett) - Another predictable Llama day with a reserved first third before taking up the mantle in the Pyrenees.  Is shitting The King to tears as he competes with him for Green and has the top end which will see this go to the wire.

The Brick (Brent) - Pink sock was in and out today as Brixie remain high up there even on an average day.  A man in form.

The Sherpa (Pete) - Is Jumping 10 rankings per ride.  Likely to see him go top 3 on Thursday.  Watch out because he wil be back to kick nuts.

The King (Stu) - Is this perhaps the greatest rider in human history.  Start, middle, end.

The Fried Chicken (Nick) - Solid.  Just solid.  Some huge involvement through the guts of the ride

The Hairy Eagle (Ash) - Casually rolling around the peloton for an easy 9th.  Missed rides at the start of the season means this is a season of gliding rather than flapping

The Crack (Zac) -This kid was out of the saddle for every roll he did.  looked like there were 10 brown signs along the Noize route.  Animal.

The Chef (Sammy) - Big player in the first half and one of the main pistons that blew the dots anything that goes vaguely up.  Hurts people bad.

The Bulldozer (Cam) - Advised he had to turn early for work.  Then remembered that Nothing Else Matters and said fk work and went the whole nine yards.  Has his priorities right.  Weapon.

The Pimp (Tyson) -WTF.  Seriously!  WTF.  This bloke was off the back 6 months ago and is still 10 kegs overweight.  Yet here is is on the podium.  This is a masterpiece in the making.  Just need to chop his dick off and tell him to focus and to lay off the doughnuts

The Feral Rabbit (Michal) - Has taken teh foot off the gas ever so slightly to simply enjoy the engine room without the pressures of the yellow jersey.  Even in doing so has no found himself only a step off the podium. 

The Farmer (Mark) - Summer 2012/13 will be remembered for this man.  Form of his life.  Riding like a man possessed yet his man is on the edge of insanity.  Northcote Town Hall has reinforced the walls in preparation of receiving this patient come the end of the season.  So strong yet missing out on what he so desperately wants in a standout No.1 for GC

The Boxer (Poochy) - You just have to pay credit when credit is due.  Rolled often and did so when no others would.  Felt more wind than any other and was a standout No.1 as voted for by the Lords.  Gains an ever so valuable extra few points to increase the distance between himself and the Sheep Herder.  The fat lady is far from singing however but already the bookies are saying this is going to be one hard man to beat.  Congratulations again to The Boxa for taking out a No.1 in GC for what is teh hardest ride going around.  The best of the best.